longing

every morning when i rise, i feel it.
everytime i sing, it is there.
when i see the fruit of other believers' faith, it rises within me.

it's indescribable, and beautiful, and terrifying.
i may never understand it fully.
until i see His face ...


i don't think i have ever longed for the heart of my Maker, more than right now.
i'm at such a place in life where i feel like time is racing by, but standing still.
i'm not sure where to place my foot for the next step, or where exactly that next step will take me. but, my heart is at peace in His hand.

His fingerprints on my life have never been more visible.
i know who i am, because of who created me.
and it has nothing to do with my gifts, talents, or abilities ..
and everything to do with my heart.
He is in love with me.
and i will not find love like this in anyone on earth.

finding our identity/affirmation in who created us is vital to our heart's health.
why would we seek affirmation from screwed up people like us? haha ..

read "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller.
i just read it for the second time and it gripped me again.
plus he is quite the cynical writer .. you will laugh. out loud.
scout's honor.


thats all for now ..

oh yeah, i went to the Call this weekend.
it was powerful. and beautiful.
pictures to come ...

i love hymns.

the dirty "e" word.

i'm reading a book called "Envy: The Enemy Within" by Bob Sorge.
it's a buzzkill, for sure.

check this out:
"We resist pinning the label "envy" on the struggles of our soul because of the implications that word carries with it. If we own up to envy, we are giving admittance to some powerfully indicating weaknesses. We are tacitly admitting the following attitudes:

- I am ungrateful for what God has given me. His gifts are not enough for me; I also want what He's given another.

- My heart is motivated at a fundemental level by an element of self-interest, self-preservation and self-promotion. I am not able to fully celebrate my brother's successes because of underlying feelings of competition and ambition in my soul.

- My carnality is impeding the unity of the body of Christ--the unity that is central to the bride's preparation. Hence, part of me is hindering, instead of hastening, Christ's return."


yeah. try swallowing THAT.
i love books that make my heart ache, and my mind race, and my soul long to be better, stronger, wiser.
they are just not always the easiest books to read.



bottom line: i want to grow.
i want to live and love so strongly and so big .. ly.

God's faithfulness to us in our great humanity is unthinkable.
i will never understand.
it is so frightning ... and i love that.




PS - this post is dedicated to Jenna Benna ..
she's been bugging me about blogging again,
and I'm sure she's the only one who reads this!
so, here's to you, j!

wants, not needs.

i would really enjoy one of these ...





but the cost of it could feed an entire third world country.
so, i guess i'm not getting one of these anytime soon ..

bummer.

books, beer, and new luggage.

my bookshelf has gotten so full in my room, that i had to move a new one in.
do you know what that makes me do?
smile.
smile SO big.
and these aren't just ordinary books.
these are beautifully intriguing books,
by some of the most interesting people on the earth.
c.s. lewis, francine rivers, donald miller, jane austen.
some of my favorites.

hence, i have lots of reading to do, which makes me VERY happy.

i have also decided that i really appreciate and enjoy a good beer.
i mean, this is something i knew a long time ago,
but have really come to realize lately.
i just like beer. i'm from mississippi .. sue me?


the best thing thats happened (well the best materialistic thing)
to me lately is that i bought some new luggage.
yes.
but not just any luggage.
this is way rad 70's vintage luggage.
one red suitcase.
and one yellow carry-on ish kind of bag.

both are spectacular. and i'm so proud to own them.


only problem is that they are in my closet,
taunting me to travel.
i need to get on a plane and go ANYWHERE soon!
preferably nashville, to see my beautiful new cousin.
crossing my fingers..




thats all for today .. well, maybe not .. we'll see ...

listening and hearing.

i know i'm listening.

but am i really HEARING?

i'm not sure where to go next.
i'm not sure there should be a "new" yet.
i'm not sure that i am done with dallas.

looks like i'm not sure of much.

i AM sure that i serve a Lover, who is wildly passionate about me.
and i so yearn for His desires to become mine ..

THIS i am sure of.

bored.

i'm just bored.

i try to write.
i try to drive around and sing.
i try to pray.
i try to read.

all things that i love.

but i am just bored.

am i always going to work boring, meaningless jobs
just to pay the bills?
or will i ever feel like i'm "doing what i love".

i don't want to rush.
but i don't want to waste.

i don't want to be bored anymore.