itching for "later".

hello, again, blog o' mine. no, i haven't forsaken thee.
just been busy. or at work, where there are dumb blocks on certain sites,
such as blogspot.com. (like they want me to WORK or something??!!)
sure, i can go look at blogs all day (which i do), but when i desire to sign in and join the fun .. oh no. it blocks me. in the rudest way.

so, here i am. taking my good pal Jenna's advice, and typing my blog in an email, to post at a later time, on a computer WITHOUT limitations. :) oops. was i not supposed to tell you that?? oh well ..

i am in a very weird season. it's not my fav. (autumn is my fav, if you were curious)
it's alot of waiting and wondering .. being unsure, trusting.

i'm a risk taker. or at least i like to think i am.
i don't like taking the "wise" road,
or doing what everyone thinks i "should be" doing.
i revel in the thrill of doing the opposite of usual.
yet, sometimes .. SOMEtimes .. i have that slight pinch of fear.
i fear that i am not prepared enough for this next "risk", or that a few years from now, i will regret not taking the school route and getting a "grown up job".

but, then, the rebellion kicks in again,
and i fold my arms, stomp my feet and say "NO!".
i refuse to ignore my heart.
i refuse to live a life always doing the "smart" thing.
using what we naively call "wisdom", as a crutch to avoid jumping off the cliff.


here's the deal, i will probably ALWAYS look back at my life
and wish i could go back and "tweak" a few things ..
like choosing better looking boys to waste my time with .. ha! kidding. kind of ..

but, seriously .. every choice we make affects who we become.
which can be completely overwhelming, but the refreshing side of it is that God's grace on our human-ness is that He really will guide our steps and light our path, when our hearts are FOR Him. me and my crazy flesh are in dire need of that grace. for real.

cheers to jumping off the cliff!

inspiration

if you are a fan of Invisible Children, like i am,
you will love this video, like i did. :)

we all need a reminder of what life is really about ..
especially this time of year ..

worthless worry

It's Saturday around the Myrick house, and for the first time in a while, we are all here and can actually be LAZY. It's 5:00 and we're still in our pj's! Before you jump to conclusions and throw judgement at us, we have actually accomplished a few house chore things that we never get to during the week. :)

I was having a convo with the parents this morning-ish, about Christmas, money, struggles ... life in general. It's weird, because I have noticed so many people are struggling this year with the financial ability to do Christmas the "good ole Western way" ... yet, so many people are counting their blessings and realizing what life really is all about.

I've been contemplating and praying about the "next step" in life for a few months now, and I can so easily get overwhelmed with the what if's, money, and the basic internal struggle we all feel about being "where God wants us to be" ...

Today, I just decided to stop. All this worry and stress is so worthless. We were put on the earth to LOVE. Period. To accept this unimaginable Love and Grace, and somehow try to learn our part in spreading it to others. I cannot live my life worrying about everything I see with my eyes .. because I know that, ultimately, those things will fade. I WILL live my life searching out the heart of my Creator. And finding out what my tiny part in this big love story between Him and His Creation is.


SO ... let's do this together, shall we? I need you. You need me.
We can't do this alone.

Let's live fully and love much. All this other stuff isn't worth our stress ...

dear diary

i mean, blog!
i miss thee.

i wish i wasn't a grandma.
i'm way too tired at the end of the day to type my thoughts ..

i know, i know. it's coming.
i will be back on the bandwagon before you know it.

until then, be patient ....

loves of my life.

i can't even begin to explain what being on Africa's soil meant to me.
these are absolutely the most beautiful people on the planet.

the way they love our great God is so passionate and full of trust in Him. they know how to rely on Him and believe that He is who He says He is.

my heart is there.




more to come ....

heading to the motherland ...

first of all, i feel like no one reads this.
except for jenna, of course. :)
either way .. i should journal,in general, more often.
so, here goes ...





i cannot believe i leave in 3 days! i am so overjoyed, i may not sleep on the plane. HA! yeah .... riiight. i could fall asleep just thinking about that flight ...

i have been waiting for this for so long ... it doesn't seem real. this war-torn nation has gripped my heart so deep .. i most likely will be of no help to my team, considering how overwhelmed with a variety of emotions i will be.

don't worry folks, i will take plenty of photos, and give every child a hug from you.

the BIG question: will blaire return safely, or "accidentally" lose her passport so she will have to STAY in africa?

we shall see ......

jane austen

i just finished watching Becoming Jane.
it was so lovely. i always enjoy jane austen's writings ..
plus, i am such a fool for james mcavoy.

my weak moment was when he told her ..
"I am yours, Jane. I am yours, heart and soul."

ah .. one day ..


i do not want to go to work tomorrow.
i would much rather ....
well, alot of things.


i need an irish cup o tea ...

longing

every morning when i rise, i feel it.
everytime i sing, it is there.
when i see the fruit of other believers' faith, it rises within me.

it's indescribable, and beautiful, and terrifying.
i may never understand it fully.
until i see His face ...


i don't think i have ever longed for the heart of my Maker, more than right now.
i'm at such a place in life where i feel like time is racing by, but standing still.
i'm not sure where to place my foot for the next step, or where exactly that next step will take me. but, my heart is at peace in His hand.

His fingerprints on my life have never been more visible.
i know who i am, because of who created me.
and it has nothing to do with my gifts, talents, or abilities ..
and everything to do with my heart.
He is in love with me.
and i will not find love like this in anyone on earth.

finding our identity/affirmation in who created us is vital to our heart's health.
why would we seek affirmation from screwed up people like us? haha ..

read "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller.
i just read it for the second time and it gripped me again.
plus he is quite the cynical writer .. you will laugh. out loud.
scout's honor.


thats all for now ..

oh yeah, i went to the Call this weekend.
it was powerful. and beautiful.
pictures to come ...

i love hymns.

the dirty "e" word.

i'm reading a book called "Envy: The Enemy Within" by Bob Sorge.
it's a buzzkill, for sure.

check this out:
"We resist pinning the label "envy" on the struggles of our soul because of the implications that word carries with it. If we own up to envy, we are giving admittance to some powerfully indicating weaknesses. We are tacitly admitting the following attitudes:

- I am ungrateful for what God has given me. His gifts are not enough for me; I also want what He's given another.

- My heart is motivated at a fundemental level by an element of self-interest, self-preservation and self-promotion. I am not able to fully celebrate my brother's successes because of underlying feelings of competition and ambition in my soul.

- My carnality is impeding the unity of the body of Christ--the unity that is central to the bride's preparation. Hence, part of me is hindering, instead of hastening, Christ's return."


yeah. try swallowing THAT.
i love books that make my heart ache, and my mind race, and my soul long to be better, stronger, wiser.
they are just not always the easiest books to read.



bottom line: i want to grow.
i want to live and love so strongly and so big .. ly.

God's faithfulness to us in our great humanity is unthinkable.
i will never understand.
it is so frightning ... and i love that.




PS - this post is dedicated to Jenna Benna ..
she's been bugging me about blogging again,
and I'm sure she's the only one who reads this!
so, here's to you, j!

wants, not needs.

i would really enjoy one of these ...





but the cost of it could feed an entire third world country.
so, i guess i'm not getting one of these anytime soon ..

bummer.

books, beer, and new luggage.

my bookshelf has gotten so full in my room, that i had to move a new one in.
do you know what that makes me do?
smile.
smile SO big.
and these aren't just ordinary books.
these are beautifully intriguing books,
by some of the most interesting people on the earth.
c.s. lewis, francine rivers, donald miller, jane austen.
some of my favorites.

hence, i have lots of reading to do, which makes me VERY happy.

i have also decided that i really appreciate and enjoy a good beer.
i mean, this is something i knew a long time ago,
but have really come to realize lately.
i just like beer. i'm from mississippi .. sue me?


the best thing thats happened (well the best materialistic thing)
to me lately is that i bought some new luggage.
yes.
but not just any luggage.
this is way rad 70's vintage luggage.
one red suitcase.
and one yellow carry-on ish kind of bag.

both are spectacular. and i'm so proud to own them.


only problem is that they are in my closet,
taunting me to travel.
i need to get on a plane and go ANYWHERE soon!
preferably nashville, to see my beautiful new cousin.
crossing my fingers..




thats all for today .. well, maybe not .. we'll see ...

listening and hearing.

i know i'm listening.

but am i really HEARING?

i'm not sure where to go next.
i'm not sure there should be a "new" yet.
i'm not sure that i am done with dallas.

looks like i'm not sure of much.

i AM sure that i serve a Lover, who is wildly passionate about me.
and i so yearn for His desires to become mine ..

THIS i am sure of.

bored.

i'm just bored.

i try to write.
i try to drive around and sing.
i try to pray.
i try to read.

all things that i love.

but i am just bored.

am i always going to work boring, meaningless jobs
just to pay the bills?
or will i ever feel like i'm "doing what i love".

i don't want to rush.
but i don't want to waste.

i don't want to be bored anymore.

peaches and hot tea.

today, i was off of work.
and it was beautiful.

i woke up,
ate a bowl of cereal and a peach.
i really like peaches.
i forgot how much.

got to spend some time with a great friend.
talking about music, people, life in general.

and now i sit, drinking hot peppermint/green tea.
i really like hot tea.
i forgot about it too.

i've decided i love days off.
no worries, no stress. nowhere to be.


so my day of peaches and hot tea was quite refreshing..

using mine, when i need yours.

i was writing this the other day..thought i'd share...

i have a feeling this will be long, so i'll be proud if anyone gets through it..

i've been thinking alot about "grace" lately. the grace i need in my life, the grace i need to give ..just grace in general. and when i say i've been thinking, i mean, it's been tugging at my heart and the back of my mind for a while now..in the "push away until you HAVE to face" closet.

i feel like we, especially "Christians", tend to "run out" of grace quite often.
i was talking to my good friend the other day about how many times, in relationships, we say "when do i say enough is enough?" or "i'm at my limit" or "my grace is up".
**now, don't get me wrong, i say these things on a constant, so no judgement comin from this blog, just passing on the little "revelation" that's hit me..**

I've had a hard time giving grace. I want so badly in my relationships to say "enough is enough". To draw the line in the sand and not be anyone's doormat.
yet, at the same time, i know i'm in need of the same grace. and i KNOW i have made others feel like a doormat. an invisible doormat, even.

but, here's something to chew on:
if this grace we're giving to our brothers and sisters is the same grace that we've been FREELY given, then it's NOT OURS.
meaning, the grace is coming from One who is ENDLESS.
hence,
this grace we're giving .. should be ENDLESS.

Think about it, NOTHING i attempt to give you on my own is going to be good. The ONLY "good" in me is Him. Even people that don't consider themselves "Christians" but are good, compassionate, "loving" people, will eventually end up un-satisfied.
God IS love. end of story.
when we attempt to love, or be gracious, or compassionate out of our own will and strength, it will ALWAYS end ugly.
someone will always get hurt, because we are selfish.

so, where does this leave us?
in the daily decision to surrender.
i truly believe that at the greatest point of our weakness, especially in relationships, when we want to say "enough is enough", or "my grace is up", is when the line is drawn in the sand.
this is where i believe "they will know we are Christians by our love" will actually be true. when we choose to PERSEVERE, but not in our own strength.

making a DAILY choice, to make the Lord loving through you, your life.
choosing to not be offended, to not be hurt, to not be self seeking.
this, my friends, is when i believe our motives will begin to be purified, our hearts will be washed, and our lives will become effective in the most powerful way to everyone around us and in our lives.

i don't want to love like the world does,
dangling on expectations and conditions.
i want to learn REAL love and practice it.
and finally start to become who i was created to be..

my eyes are burning..

why? oh maybe because it's 4:30 and i have no idea why i'm awake..
torturing myself, apparantly.

so, i guess i'm doing this online journal thing again.
(sal, if you read this, sorry i copied and got one of
these.. didn't mean to follow your footsteps, but hey, why not..)
it's weird. posting your thoughts on the web.
yet, here i am...ha..

today, i recognized the simple beauty
of opening the curtains during the day.
instead of turning on the light.
way more gorgeous,
not to mention it'll cut down your bill, quick.

just a little idea.
ok, i know this is short, but i'm nodding off..finally.


cheers to strangers reading eachothers thoughts!

-b